Fearless fathering
Many of our readers ask for parenting advice, and in honor of Father’s Day, I thought it might be useful to write about some consistent and meaningful issues that my male clients bring up about being better fathers to their children.
Contrary to what one might think the above title implies, Fearless Fathering to me means actually dealing with the fears that come up for us as fathers, as opposed to denying the presence of fear or expecting that there could be an absence of fear when it comes to being a male parent. I also call this courageous parenting, which refers to the fact that both fathers and mothers need to offer their children not only courageous guidance and love, but also to be living examples of how to be accountable when it comes to dealing with the consequences of our choices.
Working with them both as individuals and as a part of couples, I believe men have many unique challenges and opportunities about how best to offer that role model of accountability to their children. As I have written about previously in this column, men in American culture today continue to search for an anchor-point within themselves about their own sense of masculinity that isn’t as easily defined as it was for their fathers. Because of this, men are also not as grounded about what constitutes effective fatherly leadership, guidance, and protection of their children in an era where so many of the child-rearing duties are being shared between both parents. This inevitably leads us to a new set of expectations about how men need to “show up” in their child’s life.
As the father of our 7-year-old daughter, I constantly question my decisions about how to guide her to a better understanding of herself without imposing my own filter about life onto her young sensibilities. My father raised me very differently. The only thing he could think of to offer me was what he knew best, which was for me to fit into his concept of how to be a man. While there are things I can look back on and appreciate about what he tried to teach me, I can also see now that he wanted me to take on his filter of how he saw life, rather than develop my own.
As my daughter’s father, there are times that I struggle with whether or not I am making decisions that are in her best interest as opposed to trying to meet some unmet need (fear) that I have about myself. And yet, I also continue to trust (and hope) that—no matter what decisions I make regarding her well-being—it is more important for her to observe me being accountable for my choices when I make mistakes than it is for me to try to justify my behavior to her or to whomever else I am dealing with.
As a man, I take my role as a protector and provider of my family very seriously, even though there are ways that I am still learning how to best fulfill that role. I also know that the fears that come up for me as a father have their roots in the fears that come up for me in how best to live my life with integrity as a man. And so the best role model as a father that I can think of being for my daughter is one where she watches me struggle (face my fear) and strive to learn how to stand my ground for what I am passionate about and what I feel deeply convicted about in my life. I want her to see me take risks and fail and succeed and fail and succeed so that she will know that she can do the same with her life and be OK. I want her to see me face my insecurities as a man and take a stand for something good, that contributes to our lives on the planet, and to see the kind of man that that makes me in the process. One way or the other, I know there are ways she will end up emulating me, so I want to give her something of value to emulate, something that can contribute to her happiness, her self-esteem, and her ability to make a contribution to life.
The best way I can do any of the above is to confront whatever fears I have that keep me from doing what I know to be true in my heart as a way of teaching my daughter how to do the same for herself. This is the gift of Fearless Fathering that I offer my own child, and I hope it can offer you or any of my clients the same.
Hanalei Vierra, Ph.D. (Dr. He) and M’Lissa Trent, Ph.D. (Dr. She) are a married couple who have worked together for over 10 years coaching troubled relationships to clearer communication, deeper intimacy, and healthier partnership. See their web site at www.sandiegotherapists.com/conjoint.html Please email any questions to: DrHanalei@aol.com. For more information on Relationship Advice for Men, go to www.HowToKeepHer.com on the web.
